Epiphany
My dearest Lovest Felix,
Today I realized that the battle I have been fighting inside is a losing one. I know I am a lazy slob. I know I don't do everything I tell you I will do. I know I am not thoughtful, or sentimental. I know I am horribly spoiled, and take more than I give. These are not all new realizations, nor the only ones, but are all real realizations that have recently knocked me out of my comfort zone with such force that I no longer feel I know myself. I am no longer proud of how I have handled my life. I have been telling myself my whole life that I don't need to change for anyone. I don't need to do things for anyone that I wouldn't do for myself, especially some guy.
But you see, that's just it: you are not some guy. You are my Love. You are the smile on my face. You are the most fun I've ever had. To me, you are what life is all about. You are every happy feeling I have. Just looking at you warms me up every single time. And to be able to touch you! That is a privilege I will never feel I deserve, nor will I ever stop wanting it. Too many unfortunate people live without the laughter and light that you give me everyday.
I now know that for you, I should change. For you, I cannot be the person I decided to be when I was a teenager. At that time in my life, I could not possibly have seen you coming. No amount of preparation could have made me good enough for you. So this is my new quest: to earn you; to make you as happy as you can possibly be; to never again be the reason you hurt; to continually improve; to fight myself from your side instead of my own; to show you that you are worth everything to me.
I love you so much.
Today I realized that the battle I have been fighting inside is a losing one. I know I am a lazy slob. I know I don't do everything I tell you I will do. I know I am not thoughtful, or sentimental. I know I am horribly spoiled, and take more than I give. These are not all new realizations, nor the only ones, but are all real realizations that have recently knocked me out of my comfort zone with such force that I no longer feel I know myself. I am no longer proud of how I have handled my life. I have been telling myself my whole life that I don't need to change for anyone. I don't need to do things for anyone that I wouldn't do for myself, especially some guy.
But you see, that's just it: you are not some guy. You are my Love. You are the smile on my face. You are the most fun I've ever had. To me, you are what life is all about. You are every happy feeling I have. Just looking at you warms me up every single time. And to be able to touch you! That is a privilege I will never feel I deserve, nor will I ever stop wanting it. Too many unfortunate people live without the laughter and light that you give me everyday.
I now know that for you, I should change. For you, I cannot be the person I decided to be when I was a teenager. At that time in my life, I could not possibly have seen you coming. No amount of preparation could have made me good enough for you. So this is my new quest: to earn you; to make you as happy as you can possibly be; to never again be the reason you hurt; to continually improve; to fight myself from your side instead of my own; to show you that you are worth everything to me.
I love you so much.
posted by Nat at 10/24/2006 08:02:00 PM
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